GARNISHING THE NIGERIAN MARRIAGE

(by Ifedimma Onwugbufor)

There is no more sanctity or relevance attached to the institution of marriage today in Nigeria; it has become a dog-eat-dog venture. Married partners engage in silent tussles, suspicions, misgivings and malicious rants. Every day, spouses belittle their partners in very despicable manner, maiming and destroying people they swore to love and protect. Not long ago, a woman was killed by her husband, then a man was also killed by his wife; and last Thursday, a certain Ronke Bewaji Shonde was allegedly killed by her husband, Lekan Shonde who was said to have locked up her corpse with their two young kids in a room, and disappeared with her phones.

The social media has been agog with speculations of what may have caused this tragedy since last Thursday, added to the witnesses of the Shondes' neighbours who confirmed that the couple got into rows quite often. Barely twenty hours ago, Lekan spoke from his hiding to Punch newspaper presenting a vague, spiteful and shady account of what transpired between him and his late wife. He accused his wife of infidelity, much like many Nigerian partners do. He claimed that he heard a telephone conversation between his late wife and some man, speculatively her boyfriend. She was dating her boss who was the General Manager of a publishing firm, according to Lekan; and the two lovers had traveled to Abuja prior to this incident where they spent four nights in one room, all deciphered from the telephone chat which he overheard. He confronted his wife and she appeared defiant. They both had a scuffle and he pushed her and walked away to go and buy food. Then, in the morning, he saw her sprawled on the floor but thought she was pretending to be a victim. He walked out of the home.

As terribly sadistic as this man’s narration sounds, there is little or nothing that can ascertain the truth behind this disaster save, a forensic inquiry since Ronke is not alive to speak for herself. That is always the sad fate of victims of violence - while the abuser is alive to deny every fact and make the story good from one end, the vanquished is helpless and usually has no witness to explain the actual incident. It is obvious that the marriage of the Shondes had experienced many hiccups, because if the man did not mention reporting his wife’s misdemeanor to her parents or close friends, it is therefore, beyond all reasonable doubt that Lekan Shonde set out to annihilate his wife for reasons best known to him.

This piece would seek to address the issue of domestic violence in equity, but there is no gainsaying that in most cases of domestic violence, the women are most hit because of their physical weakness. This is not to say that men thrive easily in violence in their marriages, but it is always easier for the man to handle because he has many choices and alternatives in a patriarchal society such as ours, which the woman is not privileged to enjoy. Although Lekan asserted that he asked his wife to leave their home, and she refused, it is true also that Nigeria is a land of culture and tradition; whereby a woman who is duly married to a man would not readily leave her marriage especially when she is guiltless, without being recalled by the people who gave her to her spouse. No woman just wakes up to walk out of her marriage because her husband just said to her to go; else there would be hundreds of thousands of women leaving their marriages every hour in Nigeria. Usually, her parents are duly informed or reported to by the husband, to withdraw their daughter if she was traditionally married to the man. It is then, the duty of the woman’s parents to recall their daughter till things are sorted out or so. This is not to say that a woman who is strongly under threat to life would not employ the commonsense of running for dear life first, even when she is not yet recalled by her parents. But for a Nigerian husband to wake up and tell his wife to leave his house is laughable and stupid. Simply unbelievable.

Many things are involved – there are children involved, there are shared property, investments, credits and debts etc involved. These things should be sorted out, and not just throw a verbal jab, ‘Leave my house’ to his wife. A respectable spouse who is genuinely aggrieved would not be violent with the spouse. The responsible thing to do is to report to parents or go to the welfare unit and state whatever pleadings that one so desires – divorce, separation, etc. There is no justification for any spouse to fight, push, slap, insult or denigrate the other partner even when in the right position of the case.

The definition and expectations of a typical Nigerian are always huge, and this makes the Nigerian marriage largely illusive. There is no theory that explains that a woman by the virtue of her sexuality, cannot or will never have sex with another man outside her partner. Just as there is no known explanation too, that ascertains that a man would not likely have sex with another partner outside his wife. It is high time the society straightens out these logical possibilities. Whether it is morally or religiously right or wrong, these are possibilities and happenings that take place. Everywhere in the world, every month, every week, every day, every minute and every second, a partner is cheating on his or her spouse, and the law of ‘thou shalt not be caught’ informally applies. The fact that a partner has not yet discovered or caught red handed a cheating partner, does not mean that partner is not being cheated on by the other.  People find themselves doing these things for one reason or another; or even for no reason at all. This is not a distortion of what the word ‘love’ is or means. People cheat on their partners on their own terms. No one can determine that, and many times, these cheaters do not even know why they cheat but they cheat.

A partner, therefore claiming he had a scuffle with his wife because she had a sexual escapade does not sit right. Few questions, some pronouncements and few phone calls should settle the matter for good or for worse. We either put up with such anomalies or we don’t. There are no hard and fast rules in earthly enterprises such as marriage. It is not about what you do or what you don’t do – marriage is a union of two separate entities, and must not involve a fusion of personal habits and values. It is a contract, in the first place. Every couple that decides to take a step or two further from that contractual agreement would be doing so at their own emotional risk. There is no certainty anywhere. There is no man than can swear to have sex only with his wife for fifty years in a stretch; and there is woman that can pledge that either.

This piece is not a moralistic non-fiction that tries to teach the reader how to live life and how not to; how to stay married or how not to; how to be civil or how not to. It only seeks to enlighten the Nigerian who goes into marriage what that decision actually means.

No matter what love exists, or what understanding happens in the lives of a couple in marriage, let everyone be watchful and truthful. When you have a partner who experiences constant mood swing, you don’t need a soothsayer to know. When you are hooked to a partner who is always suspicious of your every move, questions you over little or no issue, harasses you, shouts you down, intimidates you, distrusts you, stalks you, blackmails you emotionally, reminds you what a blessing he or she is to you etc., then you are dealing with an abuser, no doubt. If that partner is physical, after the first time, the first decision to take if you must remain in that marriage is to get that partner to sign an undertaking with the law enforcement agency office, a lawyer, a member from each of your families, and the children resulting from that marriage if any. These things have a way of putting people in control, and signing an undertaking to guard a spouse is the worst embarrassment any partner would have to face. Under no condition should any infuriated partner get away with a slap or a push.  The second decision to take is to mount cameras everywhere in the house without the knowledge of the abuser, and must not be disclosed to anyone. Even when there are no witnesses, the cameras can speak volumes. The third decision is to write a comprehensive narration that describes the threat under which that partner is and leave with a lawyer of closest family member, on the event of any accident or even divorce – it must not always be death. If after these, the abusive partner is unrepentant during the second chance given, it is time to move out. The native law and custom does not demand a spouse to remain with another until death occurs. Everything can be sorted out at a later date but death must be evaded as a top priority and it is nonnegotiable.

It is delusional to justify domestic violence on the basis of any religious book, be it the bible or any other. I cannot say with authority what the Koran and other holy books said about marriage, but conveniently I can surmise that the bible is not in any way, supportive of violence in marriage. Jesus addressed the issue of marriage only twice, during his ministry, and whether Christians want to believe this or not, Jesus Christ trivialized marriage in his own time. He said that the ground of divorce is infidelity, and again marriage was not a recognized institution in heaven. Later on, Apostle Paul wrote extensively about how marriage can be sustained and the duties of each spouse. There is no provision of abuse in marriage whatsoever. The bible technically can be likened to the constitution of the country. The bible sets instructions of living, and when anyone falters, he is deserving of hell fire; likewise the country’s constitution. As much as every bona fide citizen enjoys some form of freedom or another, any misdemeanor can speedily send that offending citizen to jail for as long as it could take. There is no basis to remain in an abusive marriage, and any religion that instructs its followers to do so is sadistic. Instructions are meant for responsible people, if God instructs one to divorce a partner only on the grounds of unfaithfulness, it is assumed therefore, that God himself does not expect a partner to do anything else against a spouse.

Domestic violence is actually a part of abuse; the latter being categorized into physical, emotional, and psychological. Violence in marriage leaves a bad taste in children and every responsible parent who realizes that an abusive partner takes advantage of a second chance offered should be making plans to vacate the house. The society should be enlightened to learn to let couples who are unable to coexist, split for peace’ sakes. Pastors and other religious leaders, the law enforcement agents, parents, friends and relatives should be mindful of how they handle marital issues that involve abuse/violence. Getting such couples back should not be the catch, but ensuring the safety of the vulnerable partner who stands to lose always in such cases. I have personally, witnessed three women lose their lives to psychological abuse and domestic violence in marriage over fourteen years ago. These things are real. They didn’t start today, such occurrences have been around but the difference is that the social media today, has become a vibrant means of information circulation, which makes it possible to publicize such incidents as soon as they happen. Pregnant women lose their lives consistently, due to high blood pressure arising from abuse in marriage. Men have suffered stroke due to the same reasons. The list is boundless, but the fact remains that many children have been left alone without a parent on the altar of misfit marriages which marriage counselors, priests, pastors and men of God, parents, friends and welfare officers have refused to yank off. Marriage cannot be dissolved in the Catholic church; this is most improper and that dogma should be reformed as soon as possible. Apart from infidelity, there are many other reasons why a marriage may no longer stand, and a partner must have to walk away honorably. I have also learnt of abused people who ended up in jail because they decided to put up a fight against a violent partner who ended up being the victim in that row. That is how innocent persons who have suffered violence in the hands of their partners for a long time, had fallen into trouble for defending themselves. If divorce or separation can keep a couple alive for their kids, what is then wrong or should people’s lives be destroyed for no reason at all? What logical explanation does that hold?

As for the Shondes, it is going to be a long trip to the truth. The female medical doctor at LUTH died, and even her mother exonerated her husband. Already, a neighbor is exonerating Lekan Shonde. The pastor of RCCG where Ronke Shonde worships is already exonerating Lekan using a hopeless logic, ‘I have never seen any mark on violence on her body’, like he sees her have her bath everyday. Those shenanigans that make genuine cases look cheap. Who knows what Ronke’s mother and sister, Bolatito would say tomorrow? Nigerians always jump the gun. Ronke’s husband already revealed Ronke entertained fear for her life not long ago in the hands of her husband, for undisclosed reasons.

Unfortunately, Ronke failed to act quickly. She failed to do the right thing. Now, holistic efforts would have to be put into getting her husband to be brought to book. Walking away from a violent partner would remain the best decision ever.